"Weapon of choice... crowbar?!"

August 22nd, 2010, 5:03 pm



Edit August 22nd, 2010, 5:54 pm

This one is specially dedicated to everyone who says that I give to much attention to eastern gaming... which is true, but hey, that's where most of my gaming tastes end up, so that'd be normal, I guess.

Some of you might be wondering if this is a rant, or a mockery... weeeeell... it's a rant. Yes, I'm crossing the line once more. If you thought Square-Enix fans were bad enough, just wait till you see some Valve fans. I'd like to make one thing clear: I DO enjoy Valve's games! I'm just not much of an FPS guy, which is why I don't get to touch 'em very often.

BUT!.. There's one thing I gotta say, and any Valve fanboy that might be reading better get their tranquilizers...


Yup, you've read correctly. Keep in mind, I DO find it to be a good game, and it DOES have it's strong points. But at the same time, it has plenty of flaws that most fans tend to overlook, for the sake of being a bunch of elitist fanboys. For example, the story is pretty basic, if not idiotic, at times. One example? That comic right above this piece of text!

"But what's wrong with the crowbar?! It's awesome!!!"

I got nothing against the crowbar itself... I do, though, have something against how they put it in the game. On the first Half Life, you get to find it out of pure chance, while making your way out of a crumbling laboratory infested with monsters. You pick up the crowbar, since it's what's available in the area. Simple, and makes perfect sense. Thumbs up for the first entry of the Half Life series!

But on Half Life 2... things are a bit different. You're taken to some sort of small underground laboratory, where they tell ya to go after the main antagonists, and on your way outta there, Barney, a character from the previous game, tosses you the crowbar. The very same crowbar you had on Half Life 1.


First: You're sending a lone man into a battlefield filled with enemy soldiers, as well as mutants... with a crowbar? And the fanboys say that's badass? That's not badass, that's stupid! How about a 9mm pistol?! True, you do get one of those a few minutes later, OUT OF PURE CHANCE, but come on!!!

Second: Barney gives you the crowbar, and says that he can't go with you, unfortunately, because he'd better stay with Dr. Kleiner, to look after him.

... If all he could give to Gordon (the game's main character) was a crowbar, then HOW THE HELL is he gonna defend the old fart?! By throwing toothpicks like they were ninja kunais, or something?!

Or maybe Barney is just an asshole, and he DOES have some firearms with him, and decided to leave Gordon on the short end of the stick. Either way, this makes no sense.

Third: Here's an idea for how you people at Valve could've done this properly:

Before you're taken to the underground lab, you're running away from the Combine (the game's Foot Soldiers). You get beaten down, but at the last second, Alyx Vance, the game's "hot chick", jumps in to save Gordon, and later on takes him to the lab.

SO!.. While Gordon was running away from the Combine, why couldn't he catch a crowbar, out of pure chance, and before the scripted sequence where he gets beaten, let him fight off a few guys! He's gotten his fair share of warfare on the previous game, so what would stop him from fighting off a few goons?!

Then, as you've gotten to the lab, the NPCs could just toss a witty comment on how Gordon has a thing for crowbars, or something... and when they send ya off, Barney gives you a 9mm pistol.


And it wouldn't require much work, either... Anyway, this has to be the longest author comment I've done, so far, hehehe...

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just sit in here, and wait for the raging elitists to come in, and defend their precious game, as if I was making fun of their own dicks... XD

Edit May 21st, 2019, 4:08 pm


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